It’s National Caps Lock Day today

And also, by a wild coincidence?  The birthday of Lord Alfred Douglas, Oscar Wilde’s erstwhile lover, creepy anti-Semitic xenophobe in his middle-ish years, and slightly more subdued jerk after that.

LORD ALFRED DOUGLAS WAS NOT A VERY NICE PERSON.  He had an extremely difficult life BUT NOT EVERYBODY WHO HAS A BAD CHILDHOOD TURNS OUT TO BE AN ASS.  This one time, Lord Alfred Douglas decided he hated all the gays everywhere and was renouncing any such tendencies on his own part, and as part of his new resolution, he SUED EVERYONE and then embarked on a MEAN CAMPAIGN OF MEANNESS and hounded poor dear sweet faithful doglike Robbie Ross TO DEATH.

What is more, he was VERY VERY CRAZY.  In fact it is very fitting that his birthday is National Caps Lock Day, because he was a fairly capslocky sort of person.  (I AM IN LOVE with the word capslocky.  It is a gorgeous word and I am using it forever to talk about screamy people.  GLORIOUS.)

Lord Alfred Douglas convinced Oscar Wilde to sue his father for libel, which was an unfortunate decision for poor Oscar Wilde but he did it to himself.  Then Bosie wanted to go into the witness stand and testify to the fact that his father was a terrible person, but everyone said, Bosie, honey, that’s completely irrelevant to this case.

And Bosie said, Yes, yes, I see your point, but what you are failing to consider is that I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM.

He was inexplicably convinced that he was fantastic in court, so in his later life he sued everyone (EVERYONE Y’ALL) just constantly, and sometimes got sued himself (he went to jail for libel when he said that Winston Churchill was part of a Jewish conspiracy to assassinate Lord Kitchener or someone), and every time he was a witness in court, it went down like this:

Bosie: *testifies*
Lawyers: That is all very well and good, but we heard a rumor that you did dirty things with Oscar Wilde when you were younger.
Bosie: Shut up.
Lawyers: Did you, by any chance, do dirty things with Oscar Wilde when you were younger?
Bosie: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.
Lawyers: Hahahahaha, look at these hilarious letters he sent you.  My own boy, rose-red lips, madness of kissy kiss kissing love and kisses from Oscar Wilde.  In light of these letters, did you—
Bosie: SHUT UP GOD WHY DOES EVERYONE BRING UP THOSE STUPID LETTERS I COULD NOT STOP HIM FROM SENDING SICKENING LETTERS TO ME—
Judge: Let counsel talk.
Bosie: EVERY TIME I COME HERE THIS BESTIAL DRIVEL IS BROUGHT OUT—
Judge: Chill out dude.
Bosie: —YOU LOST MY LAST CASE ON PURPOSE AND EVERYONE HATES ME AND THEY THINK ROBBIE ROSS IS SO GREAT BUT I HAVE MET HIM AND HE IS NOT THAT GOOD AND IF ANYONE DID DIRTY THINGS WITH OSCAR WILDE IT WAS ROBBIE ROSS GOD I HATE HIM IF IT WERE NOT FOR HIM MY LIFE WOULD BE OKAY GODDAMMIT I JUST HATE EVERYONE—

Oh, yeah, and he also thought he was a better poet than Shelley.  Have you ever read a poem by him for a class?  Because I haven’t!  BUT I HAVE READ A LOT OF POEMS BY SHELLEY.

HAPPY DAMN BIRTHDAY.

(This post has given me a headache.  I do not like National Caps Lock Day.  But I am keeping the word capslocky.)