It’s National Caps Lock Day today

And also, by a wild coincidence?  The birthday of Lord Alfred Douglas, Oscar Wilde’s erstwhile lover, creepy anti-Semitic xenophobe in his middle-ish years, and slightly more subdued jerk after that.

LORD ALFRED DOUGLAS WAS NOT A VERY NICE PERSON.  He had an extremely difficult life BUT NOT EVERYBODY WHO HAS A BAD CHILDHOOD TURNS OUT TO BE AN ASS.  This one time, Lord Alfred Douglas decided he hated all the gays everywhere and was renouncing any such tendencies on his own part, and as part of his new resolution, he SUED EVERYONE and then embarked on a MEAN CAMPAIGN OF MEANNESS and hounded poor dear sweet faithful doglike Robbie Ross TO DEATH.

What is more, he was VERY VERY CRAZY.  In fact it is very fitting that his birthday is National Caps Lock Day, because he was a fairly capslocky sort of person.  (I AM IN LOVE with the word capslocky.  It is a gorgeous word and I am using it forever to talk about screamy people.  GLORIOUS.)

Lord Alfred Douglas convinced Oscar Wilde to sue his father for libel, which was an unfortunate decision for poor Oscar Wilde but he did it to himself.  Then Bosie wanted to go into the witness stand and testify to the fact that his father was a terrible person, but everyone said, Bosie, honey, that’s completely irrelevant to this case.

And Bosie said, Yes, yes, I see your point, but what you are failing to consider is that I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM.

He was inexplicably convinced that he was fantastic in court, so in his later life he sued everyone (EVERYONE Y’ALL) just constantly, and sometimes got sued himself (he went to jail for libel when he said that Winston Churchill was part of a Jewish conspiracy to assassinate Lord Kitchener or someone), and every time he was a witness in court, it went down like this:

Bosie: *testifies*
Lawyers: That is all very well and good, but we heard a rumor that you did dirty things with Oscar Wilde when you were younger.
Bosie: Shut up.
Lawyers: Did you, by any chance, do dirty things with Oscar Wilde when you were younger?
Bosie: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.
Lawyers: Hahahahaha, look at these hilarious letters he sent you.  My own boy, rose-red lips, madness of kissy kiss kissing love and kisses from Oscar Wilde.  In light of these letters, did you—
Bosie: SHUT UP GOD WHY DOES EVERYONE BRING UP THOSE STUPID LETTERS I COULD NOT STOP HIM FROM SENDING SICKENING LETTERS TO ME—
Judge: Let counsel talk.
Bosie: EVERY TIME I COME HERE THIS BESTIAL DRIVEL IS BROUGHT OUT—
Judge: Chill out dude.
Bosie: —YOU LOST MY LAST CASE ON PURPOSE AND EVERYONE HATES ME AND THEY THINK ROBBIE ROSS IS SO GREAT BUT I HAVE MET HIM AND HE IS NOT THAT GOOD AND IF ANYONE DID DIRTY THINGS WITH OSCAR WILDE IT WAS ROBBIE ROSS GOD I HATE HIM IF IT WERE NOT FOR HIM MY LIFE WOULD BE OKAY GODDAMMIT I JUST HATE EVERYONE—

Oh, yeah, and he also thought he was a better poet than Shelley.  Have you ever read a poem by him for a class?  Because I haven’t!  BUT I HAVE READ A LOT OF POEMS BY SHELLEY.

HAPPY DAMN BIRTHDAY.

(This post has given me a headache.  I do not like National Caps Lock Day.  But I am keeping the word capslocky.)

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18 thoughts on “It’s National Caps Lock Day today

    • Thank you! The only thing about capslocky is that I can’t say it aloud and make it sound like a single word instead of caps + lock + y. Maybe that will come with time.

  1. Um, can you teach an online History of Literature class? Because I think I would learn a lot more (interesting) stuff from you than I did in any of the history classes I have ever taken (which really haven’t been that many, but that’s beside the point).

    • You’re so sweet! If I taught an online history of literature class, I would call it Only the Interesting and Salacious Stuff About Authors, and I would probably have to use caps lock a lot because, dude, authors are crazy. You know William Burroughs shot his wife in the head by accident & killed her?

    • Hahaha, I don’t know whether to thank you or apologize. My head is full of Oscar Wilde facts, and I know that other people are not necessarily quite as interested as I am. But that apparently doesn’t stop me from writing posts all about him & his circle of friends (& frenemies).

    • AND HE WOULD. As soon as I hit publish, I started thinking, wait, was that too mean? Should I have been more charitable since it’s his birthday and nobody remembers him except the Wilde fans who all think he’s a jerk? 😛

    • I like capslocky because it looks like one of those eighteenth-century words that are very expressive but have fallen out of use. 🙂 Capslocky. Love it.

  2. Never heard of National Caps Locks day. Who decided to make that up? Seems kind of odd. I don’t like using the Caps like that. But your post was very amusing to read!

    • I do not at all like using Caps like that. I started writing this post and got halfway through and I was already sick of all the shouting. But Alfred Douglas was like that. (He really was.)

  3. CAPS LOCKS RULE!! Wow, what a great post. Just hilarious and so evocative, too. But I can see why it gave you a headache. I understand why it might be necessary occasionally to shout in typing, but why is there no equivalent of whispering? Italics just sound like one’s mother on a bad day, all driving compulsion and emphasis. I think we need to start a campaign for gentle typing and some sure fire way of indicating it.

    • I love the idea of the gentle typing. But we’d have to figure out something that wouldn’t be hard on the eyes of those of us suffering from myopia. 😛

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